Get The Lead Out
Too Much Information
Hello Friends,
Today I’m writing about a topic that’s been top of my mind (or bottom of the other end?) this week as I prepped for a colonoscopy: detox.
And since I am genetically predisposed to over-share, I told everyone I ran into about this blessed event.
On the morning of my procedure, almost to a person, the response was the same: The toughest part is over, implying that the prep, you know—the cleanout, the detox, the colon blow—was the most torturous aspect of the process, not the actual non-alien, AMA sanctioned, anal probing and photographing while a room full of people look on.
Truthfully, the worst part for me is not the days leading up to the big event (low-residue foods, liquid diets, and involuntary evacuations), but rather the poking of my hand with the IV needle right before my special moment. I hate that. It hurts. The needle is the size of a sewer drain, and my hands are delicate.
Nope. I actually like the prep.
I fawn over the instructions for the weeks leading up to it. I print them out, review them daily in anticipation. Underline and highlight my favorite passages like a nursing student. Mark on my calendar the “important” dates: 1 week before, 2 days before, the day before, the day of. It’s a whole thing, and I aim to win.
There are many different colonoscopy pre-games. Each Dr.’s office seems to have its own, like a biker gang leather vest and patch. Mine uses a couple of pounds of MiraLAX dissolved into gallons of Gatorade enjoyed throughout the day before. I’ve heard that others aren’t so evocative of a high school sports championship. For that, I am saddened.
All of this leads me back to the topic at hand: cleansing.
Cleanses and detoxes are very popular these days. They have been for a while.
The first one I ever did was called an elimination diet. Its purpose was to see how my body reacted to being gluten-free. Basically, I spent 10 days giving up everything that is good in life, drinking vast quantities of a low caloric meal replacement, and then slowly re-introducing foods that are in the constitution along with life and liberty: pizza, beer, sandwiches, pasta, and Cap’n Crunch.
It was hell. But from that experience, though, I eventually lost 40 pounds over the next six months (20 of which I have since gained back), and I did feel better.
Yet, to this day, I can’t tell you if I am allergic to gluten or not.
There is no definitive way to know unless someone looks at the lining of my small intestine. People with celiac disease have a lot of damage down there. I’m one of the 4 out of 5 people that don’t care enough to know the truth (no one is telling me I can’t eat pizza).
Of course, it helps that all gluten does is make me feel sad. I don’t have any of the debilitating symptoms that some people do.
The next cleanse I did was at the encouragement of my ex-brother-in-law’s friend, a guy who lived in a van, travelled around the country, and promoted the book Eat Right 4 Your Type and the fad of the blood type diet.
That detox involved 4 days of ingesting large quantities of apple juice and stool softeners followed by a miserable night of trying to sleep (lying on my left side) after drinking a cup of olive oil.
DON’T DO THIS.
It was supposed to make my gallbladder release an unspeakable amount of green bile. After which, I was supposed to be way healthier (whatever that means) than I had ever been. A clean slate and ready to embark on a very specific blood-type diet.
And yes, it felt exactly like it sounds. It was horrible.
The next one I embarked on was a juice cleanse after watching the movie Fat, Sick, and Nearly Dead. I bought a juicer and drank nothing but juice for 30 days. Yes, I made it 30 days (the guy in the movie went 60), and I felt great, reborn.
I had boundless energy, all my ailments disappeared, and the only negative I experienced was guilt from tossing away all that healthy fruit and veggie fiber. Seemed like there had to be a better way…
But, I felt so good in fact that in the years since then I’ve tried this cleanse a couple of more times. Sadly, I’ve never experienced the positive effects as I did after that first one. A bottleful of placebos, anyone? Nah, juice is good, healthy, but you can’t juice a pizza.
The dumping of all that pulp and fiber is a huge deterrent. I’ve since purchased a Vitamix, so I can make juice (or smoothies) and include the fiber in the concoctions. I do this occasionally, hoping to regain that high and lightness. But alas, without the motivation from that movie, I rarely have the same enthusiasm.
There are many other detoxes. You can buy products that offer 1-60 day protocols. Mostly, they are supplements, and they purport to remove all the bad stuff that our bodies collect just from living in modern life. We inhabit a dirty world: pollutants, heavy metals, smelly trucks, people who whistle in public.
And I’m not even going to mention any of those moronic TikTok cleanses. Those are just stupid and dangerous. No one should look at social media (more on this below).
Recently, my nutritionist recommended the vitamin C detox. Apparently, if you give your body massive doses of vitamin C (like 5-10 grams), your body hates it so much you spend a significant amount of the day on the toilet getting rid of it. I did this to alleviate the “things seem stuck down there” feeling.
What I can say is that it worked for me. I spent time in the bathroom, perhaps more than I had planned on. But the effect was productive. So, there is that. I would do it again.
DISCLAIMER: You should always consult a physician, as I am not. So, don’t do any of the things I have mentioned. Don’t be an idiot. Think for yourself.
The curious, and important, thing is that our bodies are predisposed to elimination. They are freaking fantastic at it. We have whole organs and multiple biological systems dedicated to the removal of stuff that doesn’t belong inside of us. Usually, your body doesn’t require any help.
Additionally, there isn’t any solid research that even suggests we need or should do a cleanse. You just have to stop consuming crap and get out of the way.
It’s kind of like telling your kids or a sibling to do something, and they don’t do it. But, then, another person says the exact same thing, and they think it’s transcendent.
Well, with my cleanse and scoping complete, I’m good for another 7-10 years or 1,000 pizzas, whichever comes first.
This time, the IV went into my arm rather than my hand. It wasn’t so bad. I hardly noticed.
The only detox I recommend for everyone is a routine digital detox. Cleanse your life of all things that have a screen, a microphone, or speakers for a specific amount of time. Take a walk in nature, stroll around a quaint town, meet a friend for coffee, all without your phone (or smartwatch or AI glasses).
I’m sure my suggestion is causing at least some of you to have a panic attack. That’s the point. You’ll panic, and then you’re realize that you’re fine. We all lived without phones back in the 1980s.
Everyone loves the 80s. Embrace it.
Stay clean. Stay cool.
Happy reading, happy writing, happy eliminating,
David